Strength

In the past, I prayed for strength, because I thought myself weak. But, as I sit and swiftly scan my life, I know I am strong. I reflect in amazement at every single challenge I've encountered and survived! Each obstacle loomed over me - so large, daunting, and each always worse than the previous. For every one I prayed, no... I pleaded for strength from above. I hoped to wake a new person with "strength" emblazoned on my chest able to tackle any challenge with ease, but each day I awoke the same woman.

Finding nothing new, amazing, or boldly inspired about me each day I woke, I figured the Lord found me utterly hopeless. So my prayers turned to tears as I asked God to forgive me for being so shamefully weak. I cried in silence - as I showered, when I drove, within myself. I was convinced that weak was part of my character DNA, just as others may be shy, playful, or gregarious - I was weak.

Yet, despite believing in my weakness, I have survived. I have pushed through each and every condition to find myself able to look back and be amazed. How is that possible in the absence of strength? I used to tell myself that I got through because of a "fluke", great friends, or someone finding pity on me; all of which I saw as miracles that I (with my character of weakness) did not deserve. And now I see how absolutely deluded I have been because it takes strength to receive.

There has been no challenge that I overcame by my own solution and doing. I have been blessed by true friends, inspired strangers, and God's grace; but, nothing could have come of all that without the strength to accept and use these gifts. I now understand what it means when someone says "be careful what you wish for... you might just get it." Over and over again the Lord answered my every prayer for strength! And as I blindly emerged from one challenge believing in and sulking in my "weakness" I immediately prayed again... for strength. He answered each time - not with the "S" on my chest in my superhero image of strength (sans the cape and tight-wear) - but, He provided another large and daunting challenge for me to finally witness my strength.

Now, I see that I've prayed for the wrong thing; strength is not what I need. I realize I don't need to pray for what I already have. Today, I pray the Lord give me courage...

I pray He provide me with an abundance of courage, that I may act upon my conviction, that I may use my gifts, and that I may obey His will for my life.

Forgive Me

Lord, forgive me
I have sinned against you
I have believed in myself
And forgotten your will

Lord forgive me
I have sought pity in my pain
I have misunderstood it's worth
And cursed my position

Lord forgive me
I have fallen for his lies
I was distracted by his whispering
And I know better

Lord forgive me
I have let fear stall my walk
I lost focus from You
And I want to come back

Lord thank you!
I know You accept me as I am
I know it's time to walk
And I cannot be still

Lord thank you!
I am saved by your grace
I am able to do your will
And I gladly do your work

(C) KNH 2008

The Gift of Depression

He asked me, "Is this all you think about now?" as I began another reflection of how my depression once tainted my world perception and created an alter-reality that I wanted so desperately to escape. And I paused because I did not know how to answer this question. What is this question? Why this question?
I admit that I speak freely of my experience with depression. I speak freely because I can no longer be ashamed of something that everyone has felt at one point in their life. I speak freely because I cannot believe that I am alone when 14.8 million suffer majorly just like me; twice as many women than men. I speak freely because I see the symptoms all around me of people still chasing that farse called the "American dream" that was not designed for attainment but enslavement. I speak freely because it heals me.
So why this question? Is my depression all I think about now? The question makes me realize the asker has not known long-suffering. I am not saying he has never suffered, I am not saying he has never felt pain. But it is clear to me that he has never been visited by the kind of suffering-pain that was only supposed to crash on your couch for a few days until things get better and be out your space but 3-months later is still eating your food, disturbing your sleep, and turning your sanctuary to your hell. That question told me that he never sat alone with only his history and a chisel and tried to chip to the core to see what exists.
Now don't misunderstand - I'm not saying depression is necessary to understand self. It has simply been my curse turned to worth. My depression was a slow painful slithering death. It gripped and squeezed my every breath. I was exhausted, beaten, and confused... my mind the abuser that left no bruise. I was a prisoner of self's: self-loathing, self-hatred, self-shame. I suffered alone, of that we do not speak nor say that dreadful name. Shhh, depression... what a dirty word! Just the sound sullies the tongue! People hear it, cringe, and think "Oh, how sad, poor, and pathetic that one." But those words will never roll off their lips. Instead it's other insensitivities masked as support that slip. Like, "ah, you just need a break, a little vacation" and "you're stronger than this situation." Oh but my favorites are "you need to stop thinking so much" or "toughen up and pull yourself out of this rut!"
There is no sense or certainty to depression, this I know. There is no clear cause and no one solution. There is no cure to something that cannot be understood; all there is is acceptance. And so I accept my condition like a pair of prescription lenses. It is always with me as I look at my world. It is a part of me just as my eyes provide my sight. Yeah, maybe he's right, all I think about is depression now... all I think about is what a gift my depression has been!
See, once you have looked death in the eyes and lived to reflect upon it you understand the value of life! I know the bliss that can exist in one second - every time I open my eyes to each day! I understand the sacredness of NOW as the only thing we really experience - everything else is theory or remeberance. I know true happiness because I own my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions - even the silly-crazy-impulsive ones; they are the only things in life that I can call MY OWN. I have peace because I accept me where I am, who I am, and where I've been - I am a child of GOD, made in His image, in this world but not of this world, I AM!
So to his question "Is this all you think about now?" I say, "Yes! I think about MY BLESSINGS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!"

God's Gift to Humanity

Choice...

It's our personal contract with God. He has distinguished us from all of his creations by this gift. He allowed us to eat of the tree and have knowledge beyond bliss... And true to the character of a benevolent king, the gift of choice does not require belief in His existance - He gives choice equally and freely to all his children!

And, as with all blessings, one bears responsibility to the blessor - to act with humility, seek with earnest, review without bias, and share without expectation. It is here that we stumble with our Christian walk. We forget that which distinguishes us from the grass beneath our feet to the mountain that touches the sky and from the amoeba to the great ape - choice! We forget that, like God, choice is omnipresent and omnipotent. Choice is always available. Choice is all powerful. It is the pathway to true freedom.

Choice is the birth-gift of all humanity bestowed by the Lord.

It Is What It Is...

It is what it is...
That I am dazed
2day
Unsure
Where this experience
goes
This life/art experiment
for what?

It is what it is...
That this journey is
Solo
and I
Can't recruit or substitute
this test
Of good vs. evil of
mind
and soul.

It is what it is...
I'm struggling for
a piece of
mind
That won't twist my
reality
Or run in fear of
my
Greatness.

It is what it is...
That convention has
nothing
4 me
Except judgement of
my life
Confined and managed
art
on display!

It is what it is...
If I wake and breath
I am
Blessed
Not for the day ahead
but the
Struggle I survived
once
and again!

It is what it is...
That what I fear most
is not
failure
but that I am
Powerful
and made in His image
therefore
DIVINE...

(c)2006, KNH

Time Expired

How do u justify the things u do?
"Love" is your anthem
But this love u want
That love u seek takes 2.

See, I am no longer willing
I am not entering that place
You cannot force or humor
You cannot squeeze into my space

This that I have here...
This sanctuary is mine alone
I've worked, I've cried, I've died!
I've picked every brick of my new home!

No sir, don't come and complement
What took me years of pain 2 build
Don't think a few curtains, a vase,
Some flowers gets you on the field!

See, I've changed the court
A new scrimmage is getting played
Your time on the clock...
Has long expired, why you lookin' dazed?!

Don't act like you got caught
By surprise with no warning
You've been foulin', travelin', and
Ball-hoggin' for years, but it's a new morning

So take your game, your ball, your tricks
Take your plays and pep talks
And go find you a new team
'Cuz this here runner has called it quits!

Yeah, I've changed the court
A new scrimmage is getting played
Hell, I'm makin' my own sport altogether
Check for my name on jerseys being made!

So go on and retire yourself
From this court here, at least
You've got no more playin' time here
Don't step inbound 'cuz it only means defeat!

(c)2006 KNH

Creation II

You are as the dark of midnight
How your ebony captures an eternity
A second draped in your deep embrace
Is a lifetime of peace and understanding

I float in the whirl of your
Crisp evening breath beneath me
And journey to unexplainable places within
As I stare into your white moonglow

Wrap me within your ebony silkness
And let me hear the sound of original life
Beat from within your chest the primordial
Drumbeat of Nubian ancients

Pharoahs and sages live in you
The wisdom of the Nile pulses
Through your veins and a Nation
Is born of your collective sigh

My prince, how you've been cursed
By the ignorant who blame you for their sins
Endless judgement falls upon you, but
I see you for what you truly are

See, out of the pitch black abyss
God brought forth life with a single sound
A universe begins and ends in your shadow
And the word of life is LOVE

For he so loved the world
He gave his only begotten Son
So that we may have LIFE
And LIFE... we CREATE... to honor Him!

So pour in me your lineage
I am the vessel for your afterlife!
This soil is tilled and fertile
This seed is ripe for growth!

The spirit of Kings and Queens
Await their rebirth into flesh
Let me bring forth your Kingdom
And crown you a Generation!

(c)2006 KNH

Creation: A Body of Experience

It is quite peculiar what 2 can create
What is 1 plus 1?
I tell you three
You, me, and we
I am, you are, and we become...
When we join
Our hands, minds, and souls
A body of experience
Created by the unity of two.
We are 1
For some time, linked in
Ritual, thought, and memory.
We are 1
Of a kind that I thought not to find
That which I only could imagine
And yet, not even perceive
Until now...
ONE
Of creating, teaching, reflecting and absorbing
With God, nature, and the universe.
And still, I am a foreigner
To all that your mind thinks
And memories know
At times, I am a mystery to you
And the path you travel
At times, we are distinct, but
Never have I been unattached
Never have I wandered
In unwanted isolation
Never have I cried out
To echoing canyons
Never have I known you not to be here
Because 1 plus 1
Is
Three.

(c)2003 KNH

'Cuz I'm Lonely...

Sitting listening to Jill Scott sing "Whenever You're Around" and a melancholic way has settled on me. I am deep somewhere within myself and I'm lonely. I am lonely in this place. It is still and quiet and it is very disturbing. I said that all wrong - I am still, I am quiet, but internally I am disturbed. Inside I am enraged!

I am enraged at all that I cannot express. I am pent-up with words, instances, examples, feelings and I cannot release a single coherent thought. I just know that I am not pleased - with what, with whom - I do not know. Is this what it is to be female? Is this a symptom of "hormonal"? That can't be it because this is a new feeling.

Maybe this is what it is to be art-less. I haven't "created" anything in months. I've not massaged or "connected" with another body in far too long - as giver or recipient. I haven't had a gut-cramping laugh with a girlfriend... I am lonely.

Marriage

The way to learn yourself is to tie yourself to one person for the rest of your life!

I have been married for just under five months and I have learned more about myself in these months than in the year of courtship I shared with my now husband. Actually, I stated that incorrectly: I have faced myself more while being married than in all the years of my life.

The act of yoking myself to one man for the rest of my life has liberated me in numerous ways. I am free to be my unique self with him; I am free of the arduous task of looking for "the one"; I am free to enjoy the most wonderful and intense intimacy; I am free of the worry of abandonment or loneliness. And, now, I realize I am free of something that I've clung to for years... delusions.

I have always prided myself on being an advanced-type of female. I thought that because I grew up a tom-boy, enjoy tearing things up and getting dirty, and am an engineer - I thought that I was better equipped to relate to men. I regaled myself as the best type of woman - feminine yet tough, expressive yet logical, traditional yet evolved. I was always quick to quip "I feel more comfortable with men than women because I think more like a guy."

In ways, that statement is true. If being able to comprehend theories and systems that are not tangible and expressed by mathematics with more symbols than numbers is to "think more like a guy", then it's true. If being able to apply a logical process to identify the root cause of a problem is to "think more like a guy", then it's true. If what drives a person is efficiency, effectiveness, and fact is to "think more like a guy", then I say it is true that I think like a guy.

I have been led by this way of thinking and identifying myself for all of my life. And even though I know I experience the traits that are identified as universally female - emotion, fear, sensitivity - I believed those experiences to be minimal and secondary to the logical and pragmatic life I've led. Now, I realize I have been deluding myself.

Marriage has shown me that although I may simulate "male thinking" as an engineer, within the workplace, and with my preferences of leisure - I DO NOT THINK LIKE A MAN. Hours and hours of conversation with my husband have proven this to me. The fact that I have peeled away at every layer of this idea is proof enough. I have learned that feeling/emotion and sensitivity are neither male or female traits - they are human traits. A strong man feels everything that is within their trusted zone. A strong man shows emotion to only a few that have proven respectful and trustworthy. And a strong man that can deflect the barbs of any Joe is struck sensitive should those words be slung by someone he loves. I know this because my husband is a strong man.

Through marriage I have learned that I deluded myself with the notion that I was especially fit to understand the male because of my history, my profession, my appreciation for order. It may be true in the workplace and playing field but not within an intimate relationship. Once intimacy is introduced I am unable to restrain myself to the clean lines and radial progression that define my professional life. The act of loving someone so unique and so different from yourself removes all rules and order. The act of loving someone for a lifetime stretches logic to limits never before experienced.

This act of loving one person without retreat or surrender exposes everything for each person involved whether you intend to or not. I have seen things of myself that I have only acknowledged silently in the far corner of my mind and quickly tucked away emerge within the pressures of marriage. I have seen things exposed that I had no clue existed for me. I have seen things that I hoped I had resolved and sadly shown I hadn't. Marriage is the great discovery of self. No book, no meditation, no journal will show you what marriage exhumes.

I say all this out of realization. I am not placing judgment for or against marriage with these words. I simply understand that marriage is the ultimate journey of self discovery. And I suspect that marriages fail - not because of too many differences or dissimilar goals/expectations - they fail because one or both cannot face the exposure of self.

There is nothing fun or easy about being exposed... but, if there were any reason to willingly engage into full exposure of one's faults and frailties I'd say that doing so in order to realize greater peace and understanding with the ONE PERSON you want by your side for all your life is a good enough reason to me.

Unspoken

I have been fretting over this first blog for weeks. My husband is a natural and fluent blogger. I read his words and think, "you can't compare to his style, his words, his impact. Who will read my words?"
Tonight, after work, I came home to my husband and began to share my day. We covered my day, his business, our faith, misplaced faith, concerns for mutual friends, the line between concern and nosiness, and finally, fears surrounding unspoken dreams. And that is when my realization began.

"What can become of things unspoken?" Nothing, but loss.

"What keeps me from speaking my dreams?" Nothing, but fear.

"What is there to fear in words said aloud?" Nothing, but Creation!

"In the beginning... the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep... And God said let there be light: and there was light." (Genesis 1: 1-3)

Things unspoken can never be realized. All the imaginings, the hopes, the dreams that float within my mind have no substance, can never take form, will only reveal loss. I have been told you cannot miss what you never had, but I believe you can loose what you never speak. See, every thought holds potential - formless and aimless. Word defines thought, and provides form and direction. Yet, word alone is simply intention and not enough to unleash potential. It is in the speaking of the word that thought takes flight and unrealized potential transforms into immense and unimaginable energy... that is creation!
With the immense power of word God created light, darkness, heaven, earth, and every thing and creature on this planet and within the universe. And God made us "in his image, in the image of God he made him: male and female." (Genesis 1:27) Of all of God's creations he gifted us, human beings, to be of his image. No other creature was given this gift. With this God allows for each of us to share in his supreme design and offers us the ability to create as he did the heavens and the earth. Although a crude and minute spit of God, we too wield the power of creation on our tongue.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." (Proverbs 18:21)

And so, I return to my earlier questions:

"What can become of things unspoken?" Nothing, but loss of the God-given gift to share in creation!

"What keeps me from speaking my dreams?" Nothing, but fear that my tongue, unskilled absent of reverence, may bring death.

"What is there to fear in words said aloud?" Nothing, but the Creation of true Life in the Image of God is my Christian walk fulfilled!