Just a space where I can write my thoughts, share my attempts at poetry, and hopefully connect with like-minded folks.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
In the past, I prayed for strength, because I thought myself weak. But, as I sit and swiftly scan my life, I know I am strong. I reflect in amazement at every single challenge I've encountered and survived! Each obstacle loomed over me - so large, daunting, and each always worse than the previous. For every one I prayed, no... I pleaded for strength from above. I hoped to wake a new person with "strength" emblazoned on my chest able to tackle any challenge with ease, but each day I awoke the same woman.
Finding nothing new, amazing, or boldly inspired about me each day I woke, I figured the Lord found me utterly hopeless. So my prayers turned to tears as I asked God to forgive me for being so shamefully weak. I cried in silence - as I showered, when I drove, within myself. I was convinced that weak was part of my character DNA, just as others may be shy, playful, or gregarious - I was weak.
Yet, despite believing in my weakness, I have survived. I have pushed through each and every condition to find myself able to look back and be amazed. How is that possible in the absence of strength? I used to tell myself that I got through because of a "fluke", great friends, or someone finding pity on me; all of which I saw as miracles that I (with my character of weakness) did not deserve. And now I see how absolutely deluded I have been because it takes strength to receive.
There has been no challenge that I overcame by my own solution and doing. I have been blessed by true friends, inspired strangers, and God's grace; but, nothing could have come of all that without the strength to accept and use these gifts. I now understand what it means when someone says "be careful what you wish for... you might just get it." Over and over again the Lord answered my every prayer for strength! And as I blindly emerged from one challenge believing in and sulking in my "weakness" I immediately prayed again... for strength. He answered each time - not with the "S" on my chest in my superhero image of strength (sans the cape and tight-wear) - but, He provided another large and daunting challenge for me to finally witness my strength.
Now, I see that I've prayed for the wrong thing; strength is not what I need. I realize I don't need to pray for what I already have. Today, I pray the Lord give me courage...
I pray He provide me with an abundance of courage, that I may act upon my conviction, that I may use my gifts, and that I may obey His will for my life.