The Gift of Depression

He asked me, "Is this all you think about now?" as I began another reflection of how my depression once tainted my world perception and created an alter-reality that I wanted so desperately to escape. And I paused because I did not know how to answer this question. What is this question? Why this question?
I admit that I speak freely of my experience with depression. I speak freely because I can no longer be ashamed of something that everyone has felt at one point in their life. I speak freely because I cannot believe that I am alone when 14.8 million suffer majorly just like me; twice as many women than men. I speak freely because I see the symptoms all around me of people still chasing that farse called the "American dream" that was not designed for attainment but enslavement. I speak freely because it heals me.
So why this question? Is my depression all I think about now? The question makes me realize the asker has not known long-suffering. I am not saying he has never suffered, I am not saying he has never felt pain. But it is clear to me that he has never been visited by the kind of suffering-pain that was only supposed to crash on your couch for a few days until things get better and be out your space but 3-months later is still eating your food, disturbing your sleep, and turning your sanctuary to your hell. That question told me that he never sat alone with only his history and a chisel and tried to chip to the core to see what exists.
Now don't misunderstand - I'm not saying depression is necessary to understand self. It has simply been my curse turned to worth. My depression was a slow painful slithering death. It gripped and squeezed my every breath. I was exhausted, beaten, and confused... my mind the abuser that left no bruise. I was a prisoner of self's: self-loathing, self-hatred, self-shame. I suffered alone, of that we do not speak nor say that dreadful name. Shhh, depression... what a dirty word! Just the sound sullies the tongue! People hear it, cringe, and think "Oh, how sad, poor, and pathetic that one." But those words will never roll off their lips. Instead it's other insensitivities masked as support that slip. Like, "ah, you just need a break, a little vacation" and "you're stronger than this situation." Oh but my favorites are "you need to stop thinking so much" or "toughen up and pull yourself out of this rut!"
There is no sense or certainty to depression, this I know. There is no clear cause and no one solution. There is no cure to something that cannot be understood; all there is is acceptance. And so I accept my condition like a pair of prescription lenses. It is always with me as I look at my world. It is a part of me just as my eyes provide my sight. Yeah, maybe he's right, all I think about is depression now... all I think about is what a gift my depression has been!
See, once you have looked death in the eyes and lived to reflect upon it you understand the value of life! I know the bliss that can exist in one second - every time I open my eyes to each day! I understand the sacredness of NOW as the only thing we really experience - everything else is theory or remeberance. I know true happiness because I own my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions - even the silly-crazy-impulsive ones; they are the only things in life that I can call MY OWN. I have peace because I accept me where I am, who I am, and where I've been - I am a child of GOD, made in His image, in this world but not of this world, I AM!
So to his question "Is this all you think about now?" I say, "Yes! I think about MY BLESSINGS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!"

Marriage

The way to learn yourself is to tie yourself to one person for the rest of your life!

I have been married for just under five months and I have learned more about myself in these months than in the year of courtship I shared with my now husband. Actually, I stated that incorrectly: I have faced myself more while being married than in all the years of my life.

The act of yoking myself to one man for the rest of my life has liberated me in numerous ways. I am free to be my unique self with him; I am free of the arduous task of looking for "the one"; I am free to enjoy the most wonderful and intense intimacy; I am free of the worry of abandonment or loneliness. And, now, I realize I am free of something that I've clung to for years... delusions.

I have always prided myself on being an advanced-type of female. I thought that because I grew up a tom-boy, enjoy tearing things up and getting dirty, and am an engineer - I thought that I was better equipped to relate to men. I regaled myself as the best type of woman - feminine yet tough, expressive yet logical, traditional yet evolved. I was always quick to quip "I feel more comfortable with men than women because I think more like a guy."

In ways, that statement is true. If being able to comprehend theories and systems that are not tangible and expressed by mathematics with more symbols than numbers is to "think more like a guy", then it's true. If being able to apply a logical process to identify the root cause of a problem is to "think more like a guy", then it's true. If what drives a person is efficiency, effectiveness, and fact is to "think more like a guy", then I say it is true that I think like a guy.

I have been led by this way of thinking and identifying myself for all of my life. And even though I know I experience the traits that are identified as universally female - emotion, fear, sensitivity - I believed those experiences to be minimal and secondary to the logical and pragmatic life I've led. Now, I realize I have been deluding myself.

Marriage has shown me that although I may simulate "male thinking" as an engineer, within the workplace, and with my preferences of leisure - I DO NOT THINK LIKE A MAN. Hours and hours of conversation with my husband have proven this to me. The fact that I have peeled away at every layer of this idea is proof enough. I have learned that feeling/emotion and sensitivity are neither male or female traits - they are human traits. A strong man feels everything that is within their trusted zone. A strong man shows emotion to only a few that have proven respectful and trustworthy. And a strong man that can deflect the barbs of any Joe is struck sensitive should those words be slung by someone he loves. I know this because my husband is a strong man.

Through marriage I have learned that I deluded myself with the notion that I was especially fit to understand the male because of my history, my profession, my appreciation for order. It may be true in the workplace and playing field but not within an intimate relationship. Once intimacy is introduced I am unable to restrain myself to the clean lines and radial progression that define my professional life. The act of loving someone so unique and so different from yourself removes all rules and order. The act of loving someone for a lifetime stretches logic to limits never before experienced.

This act of loving one person without retreat or surrender exposes everything for each person involved whether you intend to or not. I have seen things of myself that I have only acknowledged silently in the far corner of my mind and quickly tucked away emerge within the pressures of marriage. I have seen things exposed that I had no clue existed for me. I have seen things that I hoped I had resolved and sadly shown I hadn't. Marriage is the great discovery of self. No book, no meditation, no journal will show you what marriage exhumes.

I say all this out of realization. I am not placing judgment for or against marriage with these words. I simply understand that marriage is the ultimate journey of self discovery. And I suspect that marriages fail - not because of too many differences or dissimilar goals/expectations - they fail because one or both cannot face the exposure of self.

There is nothing fun or easy about being exposed... but, if there were any reason to willingly engage into full exposure of one's faults and frailties I'd say that doing so in order to realize greater peace and understanding with the ONE PERSON you want by your side for all your life is a good enough reason to me.